--Edited--
frustrated...
I'm about to burst...
the reasons may look simple or stupid for some people, but when small things gather, they make up a huge mountain of pain heavy on the heart... get triggered sometimes when another tiny stupid thing comes..
you'll feel like crying non-stop, but you'll hold back.... since the others will not understand your pain and why you became like this.....
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I'm tired, very tired...
sometimes, I really wish to have a room of my own... alone.. I feel very so right now.
I'm someone who tends to usually have a smile on her face, try to take everything easy, rarely talk in a high tone, try to stay active and refreshing as possible.
I try not to complain.. not to annoy the others around me or make them unnecessarily worried...
but there it comes. the time when I just can't hold it in any longer, but again -as I'm not used to express my self- I don't like the idea of making such a dramatic scene in the public...
still, I NEED to cry out my feelings.. I noticed that I tend to be of the stressed type people.. I'm afraid I may grow white hair in my head! it's true that i don't give a lot of care to my looks, but I'm still a young girl, so even if my wisdom brain - =P - didn't give it any importance, my young soul will keep fighting till it wins the war- only in my head though, nothing improves in the outside >_>;-... the conclusion, yes, I worry about my looks <_<"
I.... what with the wars talk? I'm getting a bit out of the topic..
I also figured out that I'm a person who is lazy, slow or may not do/ accomplish her duties or do something..... but it doesn't mean that this person is relaxed and having fun with her leisure time.my head keeps building up the stress and blames everyday, making me feel Suffocated.. angry at my self.. want to scream...
mostly I deserve it... so I sincerely try my best -it's like treating a disease- to correct my self...
but there are these things about my self.... well, I don't know but... I just don't want to change them, though I may do that when I feel the need of it... even though they make me worried all the time...
still,... I can't adjust my self.. or actually, I don't want to.. at least, not now... it's exhausting me, even if you didn't say it, I can feel your unsatisfaction... so please.. please spare me... I can't be that perfect.. I wish to be, but I know that I won't... you may try to talk in a general way, but I'm sensitive stupid girl who can let such feeling pass without being unaffected... I'm an idiot, can't I be more cold, no it's not like that.. I'm really an idiot... it was a normal thing to be said.. so yeah, I'm stupid, honestly, I can't believe how ridiculous I can be.. please forgive that of me,... it's just become that tiny trigger... so you're not to be blamed... it's all my own fault..
I really wish to have my own only room. where I can be by myself, without any kind of interruptions. I don't like crying locked in the bathroom..
sadly, I don't even know how to scream!.... and of course, I can't speak my feelings loud in front of someone who knows me, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna cry out things about my self, my own secrets, my own suffer...
when I do that, I don't seek comfort... no hugs... no pats....
still I think they are warm and benefit.... but I can't accept them from anyone, and I'm still not sure if I'll have one..
for now, I just wanna cry....
-by the way, that's why I feel lost when I see someone crys, I don't if I should treat her/him with what's supposed or how I like to be treated!- ...
just leave me alone. I tend to hold back when there's someone around, it's stupid and not good for me.... so, just leave me alone for now! it's much better...
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though I don't like it, but I do want them -my dear ones- somehow to know... to know that: hey, right now I'm in a real pain. it hurts...
I don't need to be cheered up, don't worry.... I can do that my self... I just want someone to listen..
I don't look for my cell phone if I wanted to cry,.... but if I were to be caught, I mean if someone close to me called when I was feeling super down...
I tried it once, and it helped me relax a bit.... heh, I don't remember what exactly happened, it was a short call though, but maybe just hearing her voice calmed me as if I confessed half of my feelings to her. sigh, it's such a pity to have a bad memory like mine, though it's not like I want to experience those sad feelings again.
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a way to take out these feelings...
family will not do,..... friends,.. sometimes will do, and sometimes won't...
even though, it'll just be crying.... I won't be able to open my mouth easily...
and it would be better if the other party responds with silence..
strangers will not do..... I mean even when I cry and have this long argument going on within myself, I use -without me noticing- another language!! funny, isn't it?
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I'm tired... I know that when I wake up tomorrow inshallah, I'll come back to my old happy self like nothing has happened, but I know also that there will be a next... it's rarely, 1-4 times in a year.. but it'll come...
there was a time when I experienced a strong one, made me feel very empty.... and it was quite scary.
if I weren't a muslim, I would have committed suicide by then!! I can't say it was stupid, because back then it felt very horrible! I don't know how I got to feel like that, and I don't remember the exact circumstances, maybe it's better to just forget about it...
thanks to my sister somi-chan, I got more calm after confessing to her. it was my first time doing that, strangely, I don't remember how I ended up saying that to her.
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I know that life is not easy,but still..... I hate those parts of myslef.. I hate the way my realistic brain start to analyse the data as soon as I finish crying and settle down, it try to looks at the way I cried, trying to come with some judgments and save the informations in a way like: oh, this is gonna be useful when I write that part of my novel, hmm how did I looked? I wonder.. there was a mirror, but my teary eyes were in the way + my bad sight..... it may works though in a rainy scene...
and so on....
it makes me look fake.. disgusting!
is it an automatic way to forget what I had been through?..... I may be a little thankful for that, my brain likes it but my heart really hates it....
that's why I'm locked in a forever argument between those two,..... I'm already tired..
I just remembered that I once wished to be able to experience all different emotions... because I was young and have no experience in life, and still I'm...
I wanted that wish to help write good stories, with touching feelings that get easily to the readers.
now I'm kind of regretful...... thinking: what a stupid wish was that?
but I'm sure tomorrow I will say the opposite..
it's scary, the way I think, it's quite scary...
what a cruel way to treat my own feelings....
I want to have a moment with my God in peace..
I really want to be alone in my room
